Before I say anything else, let me say that I know how blessed I am. I know that on the outside, my life could look amazing. I have a great husband who works so hard to provide for his family, a beautiful home to bring us shelter, two healthy daughters... And you’re right. It is great. And I’m sure on the outside everything looks wonderful. But sometimes, on the inside, on days like today, it’s also very lonely and very defeating.
Today my husband woke up, albeit before the rest of us, and got to go to work, with real adults, eat something more than a sandwich for lunch, fly over the beautiful beaches, have some moments of thought all to himself...
I woke up almost with the sun thanks to my toddler that seems to recently find it fun to rise earlier and earlier every morning. I made meals, I cleaned up messes, I did laundry, I taught manners, I even attempted to take a work call.
But the little one started fussing and the older one kept walking into the office to “play” with things that weren’t toys, disobeying my pleas and returning with a bath cup full of water, that I’m still not sure was from the faucet or the toilet. Then it’s on to trying to get the infant to open her mouth for her new solid foods and listening to the toddler cry because her snack cup wasn’t filled all the way to the top. And heaven forbid we brush her teeth before nap (like we do. EVERY. DAY). I could go on, but I’ll spare you.
“Is this really my life?“ I think to myself, and probably out loud sometimes. I was the top of my class in high school and college. I had lofty dreams. And here I am pursuing my passions in fleeting moments of naptimes and bedtimes and preschool hours (assuming the little one naps). And I just want to be good. To do it well. All of it. Being a wife. Being a mom. Being a business woman. Being a sane adult.
And then Jon gets home from work and the perfectionist side of me wonders if I’ve failed. If he thinks I haven’t accomplished anything all day. If he thinks I’m being a good enough wife, a good enough mom. Am I being what I need for everyone?
The answer is “no” (not because he told me, but because I’m no fool). I never will be what I need to be for everyone, all the time. And I have to try to let that go. The biggest battle is truly with myself. The irrational goals I set for myself will never be attained. And that’s okay. That’s okay.
And you know what? Tomorrow is new and so too are His mercies…in spite of my failures.
“The days are long but the years are short” they say. And they’re right. Tonight, as I was cleaning out some pictures from my phone, I came across some old ones of both of my girls as babies and my heart nearly burst. Oh how the time has disappeared in the blink of an eye. I try to constantly tell myself to take it all in. To enjoy each moment (minus the tantrums). To breathe. Because they will only be older tomorrow.
Being a mom is hard. Because being a stay-at-home mom is hard. And in my opinion, being a stay-at-home working mom is even harder because you feel like you’re never fully succeeding at one title or the other.
This is my life right now, but I know this won’t be my life forever.
And tomorrow I will try again. I will try again to love my babies well, to make my husband feel appreciated, to finally finish that item on the to do list, to make time for myself.
So here’s to that. To finding the joy. To powering through. To not letting go of those dreams…for them but also for you.
Our efforts aren’t lost momma’s. We aren’t alone. Tomorrow is a new day.