Before I say anything else, let me say that I know how
blessed I am. I know that on the
outside, my life could look amazing.
I have a great husband who works so hard to provide for his family, a
beautiful home to bring us shelter, two healthy daughters... And you’re right. It is great. And I’m sure on the outside everything looks wonderful. But sometimes,
on the inside, on days like today, it’s also very lonely and very defeating.
Today my husband woke up, albeit before the rest of us, and
got to go to work, with real adults, eat something more than a sandwich for
lunch, fly over the beautiful beaches, have some moments of thought all to
himself...
I woke up almost with the sun thanks to my toddler that
seems to recently find it fun to rise earlier and earlier every morning. I made meals, I cleaned up messes, I
did laundry, I taught manners, I even attempted to take a work call.
But the little one started fussing and the older one kept
walking into the office to “play” with things that weren’t toys, disobeying my
pleas and returning with a bath cup full of water, that I’m still not sure was
from the faucet or the toilet. Then
it’s on to trying to get the infant to open her mouth for her new solid foods
and listening to the toddler cry because her snack cup wasn’t filled all the
way to the top. And heaven forbid
we brush her teeth before nap (like we do. EVERY. DAY). I could go on, but I’ll spare you.
“Is this really my life?“ I think to myself, and probably
out loud sometimes. I was the top of my class in high school and college. I had lofty dreams. And here I am pursuing my passions in
fleeting moments of naptimes and bedtimes and preschool hours (assuming the
little one naps). And I just want
to be good. To do it well. All of it. Being a wife.
Being a mom. Being a
business woman. Being a sane
adult.
And then Jon gets home from work and the perfectionist side
of me wonders if I’ve failed. If
he thinks I haven’t accomplished anything all day. If he thinks I’m being a good enough wife, a good enough mom. Am I being what I need for
everyone?
The answer is “no” (not because he told me, but because I’m
no fool). I never will be what I
need to be for everyone, all the time.
And I have to try to let that go.
The biggest battle is truly with myself. The irrational goals I set for myself will never be
attained. And that’s okay. That’s
okay.
And you know what?
Tomorrow is new and so too are His mercies…in spite of my failures.
“The days are long but the years are short” they say. And they’re right. Tonight, as I was
cleaning out some pictures from my phone, I came across some old ones of both
of my girls as babies and my heart nearly burst. Oh how the time has disappeared
in the blink of an eye. I try to
constantly tell myself to take it all in.
To enjoy each moment (minus the tantrums). To breathe.
Because they will only be older tomorrow.
Being a mom is hard.
Because being a stay-at-home mom is hard. And in my opinion, being a stay-at-home working mom is even
harder because you feel like you’re never fully succeeding at one title or the
other.
This is my life right now, but I know this won’t be my life
forever.
And tomorrow I will try again. I will try again to love my
babies well, to make my husband feel appreciated, to finally finish that item
on the to do list, to make time for myself.
So here’s to that.
To finding the joy. To
powering through. To not letting
go of those dreams…for them but also for you.
Our efforts aren’t lost momma’s. We aren’t alone.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Comments
Post a Comment
Thank you for your comments. They brighten my day!